Don’t Let’s Be Naughty, My Little Timecard Elves!

Pre-holiday biweekly timecards follow close upon

And must be filled out now or, in other words: Anon!

We only have ‘til FRIDAY, so don't, my friends, delay,

Or else the log of time’ll be whittled clean away!

With the holidays upon us the schedules all have changed!

We only have this week! So we’re scrambling, half-deranged!

You wouldn’t like the naughty list for it brings on too much strife

And lasts a good deal longer than uranium ore’s half-life.

Some of you deserve gold stars for just how diligent you are,

And some of you...well, you’re still striving (in your attempt to just make par).

But we appreciate you all (just not in equal measure).

‘Cause let’s be real here, friends--there’s far more pain afoot than pleasure.

What can you do to help us? What gifts can you bestow?

Start by forwarding this reminder so that those who don’t know--KNOW!

Then approve all hours and overtime, add comments where they’re needed.

If your staffer’s absent--you do it! (so our work won’t get impeded)!

The deadline is a hard one, by FRIDAY and no later,

If you put it off or forget (again)--you’ll need a mediator!

Then once it’s done and all is well all across the land,

I’ll be the first to shout “hooray, supply has met demand!”

I’m confident that we can do it! Yes, my faith is firmly placed!

If that turns out to be untrue, well then—(these words can be erased)!

Holiday Geoff

Toon Time

Geofftoons

Anti-Procrastination Declaration

After a fine Thanksgiving break and a splendid time off,

I totally forgot this reminder (cough-cough).

But work cannot wait and so I’m determined to finish,

With quality control not even haste could diminish.

And now it brings to mind the notion of all time reporting,

Which requires time to do it and so remains self-supporting.

So, since it’s required and you’re paid for the chore,

It can be calendared, reminder-ed and, yes, scheduled for.

And despite the fact that it’s a task that most hate,

It keeps us in compliance with the payroll mandate.

This is why all of you monthly (Exempt) workers who care,

Should approve your timecards now so you’re not caught unaware.

Last Minute Geoff

Giving Time

Those who like to give whatever it is they’ve got

Know full well to give ‘tis far better than to not.

So, during this giving time let’s all join together as one

And give ourselves a hand for all the giving that we’ve done.

I once gave a hoot (when hoots were in short supply)

I even gave my hunger (when someone was serving pie).

I’ve given a piece of my mind (to those without their own)

I’ve even given my absence (when they wished to be alone).

I’ve given my opinions (when they didn’t know what to think)

I’ve given my advice (for when they couldn’t afford a shrink).

I’ve given some good excuses (for when theirs were wearing thin)

I’ve even given alibis (to account for where they’d been).

Giving brings more joy than mere taking could ever allow

(Except when taking a minute to approve your timecards: NOW!).

[And if you haven’t given out and want to give some more

Join Cool Campus Challenge to improve our Eco- score!]*

*Cool Campus Challenge ends 12/10/15, UCSB specific, some assembly required.

Timecard Reminder Reminder

Biweekly timecards are due Tuesday (at the latest),

By Monday’d be great, (by today’d be the greatest!)

Workers and supervisors need to approve in the right order

To prevent a total breakdown or a mental disorder.

Workers approve hours (once they’ve filled them all in),

Supervisors go next (to avoid deep chagrin).

And now a little more insight

Into what compels me to write…

While it’s my joy to remind you fine and true folk,

Who reminds the reminder? Or so goes the old joke.

My mindful ‘minder’s named “Thinky”--he's a heck of a guy,

But best keep your distance--he's incredibly shy.

His purview isn’t specific to timecards alone,

He’ll remind me to eat or to hang up the phone.

Or if I’ve forgotten where I last parked my car,

He’ll retrace all my steps before I’ve gotten too far.

He’s better than a computer because he knows what I mean

When I ask him a question whether vague or obscene.

“The Greek Goddess of Beauty and Love?” (“Aphrodite!”)

“That changing lightbulbs rhyme?” (“Lefty loosey, righty tighty!”)

Lost my keys, dropped my wallet, misplaced my wristwatch?

Can’t remember the base for a Rob Roy? (“It’s scotch”).

So who is my ‘minder? Well, to be perfectly plain,

Thinky’s the name of my oft-addled brain.

Thinky Geoff

The Phantom Hour!

Lo, Monthly timecards now come to an end,

So, approve for October--is what I recommend.

What follows next is a very harrowing tale,

Building at a rate on a logarithmic scale,

Instilling terror, and sowing malicious contempt,

Warning of a menace from which few are exempt!

It is simply known as...

The Phantom Hour

Deep in the dark, dreadful, dead of night,

Long into a woeful, graveyard shift,

A worker witnessed a baffling fright,

Causing a maddening, mental rift!

At 2 a.m. without warning or sense,

Something occurred to affect recompense,

Time fell back exactly one hour,

Forever upsetting the balance of power!

His eight hour shift was suddenly nine,

Fatigue creeping into the bones of his spine,

His will to live began ebbing away,

Sparking severe pseudo-psychic decay!

"Why, Lord Kronos, must you abuse me so?"

Came the lament, "Where's the quid pro quo?"

"I'm forced to work longer than ever before?"

"Without any reason or cause heretofore!"

Answer came there none, the Time god he was still,

The worker decided not to die on this hill,

He completed his duty and finished the day,

(Then a few months later he lost an hour of pay!)

So, beware the Phantom Hour for it comes twice a year,

Lurking and waiting to once again reappear,

How can you hide your time-sensitive persona?

In the Grand Canyon--deep in old Arizona!

Ghostly Geoff

The Curse of the Red Watch

[Author’s note: I shan’t be back till Tuesday, so I’ll send this out today, if timecards stay unfinished, then there’ll be such Hell to pay!]

The Curse of the Red Watch

There once was a timekeeper in an ominous land,

Who tried to prove his worth by clever word and deft hand.

He kept very good time, and he reported it well,

But something made his work feel a little like Hell.

Because before he could prove that he was far from the worst,

He had to enlist help from the kingdom’s citizenry first.

If they didn’t fill out, comment, save and approve,

Theirs and their subject’s hours then he could never improve.

His skills would deteriorate, his reputation would fail,

His grief would release in a soul-rending wail!

So he tried enticing people with imaginative bribes,

Using hand-drawn cartoons and poetic diatribes.

It didn’t fully achieve all its fine and lofty goals,

Despite using spells he found inscribed on old scrolls.

His failure was such that he was given a watch,

(That golden and too-final swift kick in the crotch).

“Fired? But for what?---Retired? That’s far worse!”

“I was turning it around, you -----!...(and he unleashed a curse!).

The king, horrified, decreed all timekeeping dead,

And as soon as he did the watch went from gold to blood red.

The light disappeared from the timekeeper's eyes,

(For without timely purpose a timekeeper dies!).

And that cheap, now-red watch stopped at that very dread hour,

Creating a timekeeper’s deadline and giving it power.

And then that cursed watch started to get hot and glow,

Sending out curses hither and fro.

No more would timekeeping be considered banal.

But would be legally required of king, country and all.

Timekeepers would be enforcers, a grim post in the realm.

And all must submit or face dire overwhelm.

One thing could hold off these Guardians of Time:

Proper time reporting! (once a capital crime!).

It helps in our work, it helps in our pay,

It allows us to live if even for just one more day!

So, as soon as you read this (or very soon by),

Approve your “current pay period” or all payments may die!

If you wait until Sunday, after the pay period ends,

Then choose "previous pay period" to make your righteous amends.

This includes all biweekly workers, both students and staff,

And be sure to approve overtime (it pays at time and a half).

And if you're duty-bound to help enforce all of these chores,

Then prithee be proactive like they are with yours.

If not and your failure forces them the realm to traverse,

Then you'lll incur the full wrath of the blood red watch curse!

Abandon-All-Hope Geoff