Time Man and the Clock of Doom

Film review from The Santa Barbara Bi-Weekly Times, 8/30 – 9/12/15

Should Time Man Clock Out?

By “Big” Ben Geary-Coggs

Is he about to break into song??

The public’s fascination with all things Time Man related may be running out much like the sands in his mystical hourglass amulet.

Sure, I had the Time Man action figure, lunchbox, beach towel, pillowcase and footie pajamas just like every other kid, and my Time Man comic book collection was the envy of enthusiasts far and wide.

It’s not a doll--it’s an action figure!             

                                              

You WILL clock IN!

But, when I first watched that atrocious Saturday morning cartoon abomination, “Time Man and Watch Boy,” I joined in the uproar against it until it was righteously taken off the air and hopefully destroyed. (Seriously?? Watch Boy???)

What's so funny, Time Man?

Is Watch Boy disco dancing?? Seriously???

The fans deserved a proper TV adaptation, but had to settle, in the meantime, for the groundbreaking graphic novel “Time Man Rises,” which offered a grittier take on Time Man’s origin story.

The Time has come!

On the strength of that reinvigoration of the Time Man mythos, another run was made at a TV series, although this time it was live action--and I can tell you, there was a collective holding of our breath as we counted down to the premiere episode. The series was simply called “Time Man” (on the CW, which we redubbed the “Clock Watcher” network) and we were all pleasantly surprised when it didn’t totally suck and yet, incomprehensibly, it lasted for only one season.

Once again the fans rallied, but this time it was in order to realize the pinnacle of Time Man fandom (or, Timekeepers, as we’re known): A movie of epic proportions as is befitting that fine and selfless champion of Temporal Reportage--Time Man!

This, however, is not that film.

Remember when this was the biggest insult to Time Man's image? I miss those days.


For one thing, they have taken such liberties with our beloved and punctual superhero that I have scarcely the will to finish this noble tirade, but I shall try!—it’s almost as if they wanted to do a musical and then at the last minute opted out, but had to re-edit the film to exorcise any remnants of musicality or fun or logic! Then they initiated a laughable 3D transfer after the fact that's just insulting, frankly.

The production itself was plagued with problems from the start from casting conflicts, to having to replace the director twice, to script issues and ultimately to insufficient funding.

The studio lost faith and should’ve postponed the release, but they had a schedule to keep and rushed to complete the film.

And it shows.

This is especially disappointing to the devoted fans who made all this possible, but maybe that’s where Time Man, a relic of the golden age of comics, really belongs, back amongst his people, his true followers, his Timekeepers and all those who faithfully and promptly Report Time.

So, to them I raise the clarion call to all the true keepers of the legend of Time Man with an “All Hail, Loyal Time Hearts!”

Let us not allow Time Man’s name to be so wound down! Let us not let the sands of his hourglass run out! Let us remain ever vigilant and protect all that he stands for: Truth, Justice and Accuracy in Time Reporting!

"KLOKKO!"

So, unless the superpowers-that-be decide to finally—someday!—give Time Man his rightful and just cinematic due then I say,

“Clock On, my Timely Friends! Clock On!”

And “by Kronos’s beard” avoid this film!

Rating: ½ [half a star--but only because my editor won't let me do zero or negative stars!]

[Edited to add: A recent fan-created video called “Time Man Returns!” is gearing up for production in response to the effrontery we have all suffered. So, support their crowdfunding campaigns!]

Hey, it can't be any worse!