TiMemecards

Wherefore Art Thou, Goodly Timekeeper?

Hear Ye, Hear Ye,

Exempts for the Month of September,

Hearken unto me!

And listen to my tale of mystery and woe!

here exists a legend of a kindhearted sage

who did whatever he could to keep the world on Time.

He was patient and helpful and just a real mensch.

If others needed help with their tasks he would assist them, of course, to make short and quick work of their labors.

But it took its toll and he became prematurely hunched as a result, until he couldn’t stand up straight at all.

People started to shy away from the crooked little man with the crooked little smile and he grew lonely.

But still he tried to help.

Until one day he was simply gone--never to be seen again.

There are rumors, of course, of where he might be, but no one has found his hiding place if he is even still around.

Then, during an excavation, a pocket watch was unearthed with an engraving on the back--one that could perhaps shed light on this conundrum and answer, for good and all:

Up on thy perch by the invisible clock,

Clanging out the Time or a prelude by Bach,

Standing high above the lagoon and the tide, 

Belting out thy birdsong with true Gaucho pride!

Writer's Clock

[May contain images]

Staring at the second hand seems to always be my fate.

“What happened to the first hand?” Hmf. Good joke--but not quite great.

Must come up with a reminder soon--pressure’s getting high.

People like to think I’m magic--(gotta maintain the lie).

Maybe a disaster movie like “Time-nado!” or “Time-quake!”

Or a mythical monster pic: “The Time-Devouring Snake!”

Perhaps a clock-themed game show called, “Hey, Buddy, You Got the Time?”

Where hobos look for a priceless clock buried in tons of grime.

I could even do a treasure hunt, where the final prize is me!

But do I want a parade of folks on a “Where is Geoffrey?” spree?

I love my fans, I really do--I don’t just do this for my health.

Yes, I like transparency, sure, but with a modicum of stealth.

I should probably remove my name and pic if that were really true,

And certainly omit my room number (not a very cryptic clue).

But the look of joy on people’s faces when they realize I’m THAT guy!

Is essentially what I live for--so, remove it? I can’t see why.

I’m a writer, see? It’s what I am. I pitch words to see if they stick.

Like testing if pasta’s al dente (a quirky culinary trick).

So, here I am writing about writing, and testing out future bits,

As I describe my creative process (and aim for a million hits).

But now it’s on to the reminding--(if all this wasn’t enough!)

“Please fill out your timecards, people! You don’t want to see me get rough!”

“Students, Limiteds and Non-exempts--all of the bi-weekly staff.”

“Approve those hours, add those comments (on your--or other’s--behalf”).

Don't delay, do it today, as soon as you possibly can!

There’s hundreds of people to deal with and I am just one man!

I know it seems a mindless chore, but it’s still part of your job,

Don’t devolve into denizens of the last-ditch timecard mob!

Forward this to staff and students--it’s such a piece of cake!

Once they’ve done their part, do yours--then everything’ll be jake!

If you don’t, woe is you--you’ll face my condescending tone.

Wait--oh, heck, is that the time?? I forgot to do my own!

Sincerely, Geoff

(Yes, THAT Geoff)

P.S. Autographs and photos available upon request (for a nominal remuneration). 

Time Man and the Clock of Doom

Film review from The Santa Barbara Bi-Weekly Times, 8/30 – 9/12/15

Should Time Man Clock Out?

By “Big” Ben Geary-Coggs

Is he about to break into song??

The public’s fascination with all things Time Man related may be running out much like the sands in his mystical hourglass amulet.

Sure, I had the Time Man action figure, lunchbox, beach towel, pillowcase and footie pajamas just like every other kid, and my Time Man comic book collection was the envy of enthusiasts far and wide.

It’s not a doll--it’s an action figure!             

                                              

You WILL clock IN!

But, when I first watched that atrocious Saturday morning cartoon abomination, “Time Man and Watch Boy,” I joined in the uproar against it until it was righteously taken off the air and hopefully destroyed. (Seriously?? Watch Boy???)

What's so funny, Time Man?

Is Watch Boy disco dancing?? Seriously???

The fans deserved a proper TV adaptation, but had to settle, in the meantime, for the groundbreaking graphic novel “Time Man Rises,” which offered a grittier take on Time Man’s origin story.

The Time has come!

On the strength of that reinvigoration of the Time Man mythos, another run was made at a TV series, although this time it was live action--and I can tell you, there was a collective holding of our breath as we counted down to the premiere episode. The series was simply called “Time Man” (on the CW, which we redubbed the “Clock Watcher” network) and we were all pleasantly surprised when it didn’t totally suck and yet, incomprehensibly, it lasted for only one season.

Once again the fans rallied, but this time it was in order to realize the pinnacle of Time Man fandom (or, Timekeepers, as we’re known): A movie of epic proportions as is befitting that fine and selfless champion of Temporal Reportage--Time Man!

This, however, is not that film.

Remember when this was the biggest insult to Time Man's image? I miss those days.


For one thing, they have taken such liberties with our beloved and punctual superhero that I have scarcely the will to finish this noble tirade, but I shall try!—it’s almost as if they wanted to do a musical and then at the last minute opted out, but had to re-edit the film to exorcise any remnants of musicality or fun or logic! Then they initiated a laughable 3D transfer after the fact that's just insulting, frankly.

The production itself was plagued with problems from the start from casting conflicts, to having to replace the director twice, to script issues and ultimately to insufficient funding.

The studio lost faith and should’ve postponed the release, but they had a schedule to keep and rushed to complete the film.

And it shows.

This is especially disappointing to the devoted fans who made all this possible, but maybe that’s where Time Man, a relic of the golden age of comics, really belongs, back amongst his people, his true followers, his Timekeepers and all those who faithfully and promptly Report Time.

So, to them I raise the clarion call to all the true keepers of the legend of Time Man with an “All Hail, Loyal Time Hearts!”

Let us not allow Time Man’s name to be so wound down! Let us not let the sands of his hourglass run out! Let us remain ever vigilant and protect all that he stands for: Truth, Justice and Accuracy in Time Reporting!

"KLOKKO!"

So, unless the superpowers-that-be decide to finally—someday!—give Time Man his rightful and just cinematic due then I say,

“Clock On, my Timely Friends! Clock On!”

And “by Kronos’s beard” avoid this film!

Rating: ½ [half a star--but only because my editor won't let me do zero or negative stars!]

[Edited to add: A recent fan-created video called “Time Man Returns!” is gearing up for production in response to the effrontery we have all suffered. So, support their crowdfunding campaigns!]

Hey, it can't be any worse!

Timmy's Timecard

Timmy hated timecard chores,

“It dulls my brain and really bores.”

“But then how else can I get paid?”

Poor Timmy asked, a bit dismayed.

“Here’s a trick, young Timmy boy!”

His granddad said, “Just find the joy.”

“Everything depends on you.”

“So, have some fun, but follow through.”

“The more you fight the worse it gets.”

“So, keep it light, have no regrets.”

Timmy heard, and listened too,

Was it something he could do?

He opened Kronos--browser crash!

A quick upgrade, clear out the cache,

Start again--it looked okay

Input hours and save the day!

Approve as needed, make a note,

Let the boss see what you wrote,

Exempt employees: here’s your chance,

To sail the seas of high finance!

August ends today at last.

So do your part, the die is cast.

Make a game from something bland.

Like Timmy and his Timecard stand.

Geoffy

A Brief History of Timecards

Take a look

inside this book! -->

A Brief History of Timecards

[Abridged version – with Appendices for Students, Non-exempts and Limiteds – 8.16 – 8.29]

By Tennesee Odin Klokk, Chronologist

Benevolent Order Of Timekeepers, International (BOOTI)

Dedicated to Father Time,

“I’m just a chip off the old clock”

The History of Timecards

is the History of All Human Endeavor!

(As well as a catalog of Timekeeping innovations that are still with us today!)

v

Chapter 1:00 - The Dawn of Timecards

Did Cavemen Clock In and Out?

We’re pretty sure they did!

A caveman’s job was hunting.

So, as he prepared to leave for the hunt, and if he was feeling especially hunt-y, then he would make his mark on the chore board section of his cave wall.

A red hand signified that he was bloodthirsty and raring to go!

If he made it back alive then he was usually pretty beaten up and so would then just spit blood to make an outline of his hand before collapsing into an oozing heap.

And then his kids could draw doodles with his blood.

(Life was a lot edgier back then!)

But it showed us the value of keeping a record of workplace ATTENDANCE.

v v

Chapter 2:00 - Medieval Timecards

Many people think that torturing was done just for the heck of it, but, mostly, no—it was a specialized skill requiring professional aptitude and trade guild certification.

(Not to mention snappy attire!)

Torture was a very effective way of bending (or even breaking) someone to your will, but while it had to be done with patience it also required you to keep your eye on the clock (though not literally).

After all, you couldn’t very well just torture someone nonstop and expect to be very effective at your job.

(The torturer might get fatigued and the torture-ee might get dead!)

But thanks to their dedication and humanity we now know the importance of the finite WORK SHIFT.

v v v

Chapter 3:00 – Modern Timecards

The Industrial Revolution gave us automation, which helped to increase output, stimulate the economy, and thereby improve living conditions.

Families could have more children who survived infancy who could then, in turn, be included in the fun new workforce at an early age!

That freed up the adults to go on trips and see the world!

So we have machines (and child labor) to thank for VACATIONS!

[End of Excerpt]

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Customer Reviews [edited for length]

“My mouth is positively agape at the sheer…the author thinks that he can just make…THIS is exactly what’s…if I ever see him on the street, I’m going take his…and shove it up his…!”

[Author’s reply: Thanks for your support! I’ll be glad to give you an autograph!]

“Stephen Hawking should get up out of his chair and give this guy what he--…---…---…deserves!”

[Author’s reply: Thanks for your support, Stephen!]

“What, no mention of Ancient Roman Gladiators, Ancient Egyptian Slaves or New World Indentured Servants?”

[Author’s reply: Thanks for your support! Those are great suggestions! Just wait for the sequel, “A Briefer History of Timecards!”]

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Editorial Reviews

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Publisher’s Notes

[The views expressed in this book are solely those of the author and not necessarily those of any other member of the publishing, reading or illiterate communities.]

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About the Author

Tennessee Odin Klokk (aka Timothy Edgar Waits) grew up listening to television programs from the other room and reading the back of cereal boxes and dust jackets. He probably would’ve read liner notes too, but, by his own admission, he “can’t read music.”

His philosophy is: “it’s better to make a claim that could be wrong than to waste time verifying it first and then forgetting what you were going to say.”

He lives in relative obscurity, hard at work on his next project: “The Seeing Man’s Guide to Braille”