The Phantom Hour!

Lo, Monthly timecards now come to an end,

So, approve for October--is what I recommend.

What follows next is a very harrowing tale,

Building at a rate on a logarithmic scale,

Instilling terror, and sowing malicious contempt,

Warning of a menace from which few are exempt!

It is simply known as...

The Phantom Hour

Deep in the dark, dreadful, dead of night,

Long into a woeful, graveyard shift,

A worker witnessed a baffling fright,

Causing a maddening, mental rift!

At 2 a.m. without warning or sense,

Something occurred to affect recompense,

Time fell back exactly one hour,

Forever upsetting the balance of power!

His eight hour shift was suddenly nine,

Fatigue creeping into the bones of his spine,

His will to live began ebbing away,

Sparking severe pseudo-psychic decay!

"Why, Lord Kronos, must you abuse me so?"

Came the lament, "Where's the quid pro quo?"

"I'm forced to work longer than ever before?"

"Without any reason or cause heretofore!"

Answer came there none, the Time god he was still,

The worker decided not to die on this hill,

He completed his duty and finished the day,

(Then a few months later he lost an hour of pay!)

So, beware the Phantom Hour for it comes twice a year,

Lurking and waiting to once again reappear,

How can you hide your time-sensitive persona?

In the Grand Canyon--deep in old Arizona!

Ghostly Geoff

The Curse of the Red Watch

[Author’s note: I shan’t be back till Tuesday, so I’ll send this out today, if timecards stay unfinished, then there’ll be such Hell to pay!]

The Curse of the Red Watch

There once was a timekeeper in an ominous land,

Who tried to prove his worth by clever word and deft hand.

He kept very good time, and he reported it well,

But something made his work feel a little like Hell.

Because before he could prove that he was far from the worst,

He had to enlist help from the kingdom’s citizenry first.

If they didn’t fill out, comment, save and approve,

Theirs and their subject’s hours then he could never improve.

His skills would deteriorate, his reputation would fail,

His grief would release in a soul-rending wail!

So he tried enticing people with imaginative bribes,

Using hand-drawn cartoons and poetic diatribes.

It didn’t fully achieve all its fine and lofty goals,

Despite using spells he found inscribed on old scrolls.

His failure was such that he was given a watch,

(That golden and too-final swift kick in the crotch).

“Fired? But for what?---Retired? That’s far worse!”

“I was turning it around, you -----!...(and he unleashed a curse!).

The king, horrified, decreed all timekeeping dead,

And as soon as he did the watch went from gold to blood red.

The light disappeared from the timekeeper's eyes,

(For without timely purpose a timekeeper dies!).

And that cheap, now-red watch stopped at that very dread hour,

Creating a timekeeper’s deadline and giving it power.

And then that cursed watch started to get hot and glow,

Sending out curses hither and fro.

No more would timekeeping be considered banal.

But would be legally required of king, country and all.

Timekeepers would be enforcers, a grim post in the realm.

And all must submit or face dire overwhelm.

One thing could hold off these Guardians of Time:

Proper time reporting! (once a capital crime!).

It helps in our work, it helps in our pay,

It allows us to live if even for just one more day!

So, as soon as you read this (or very soon by),

Approve your “current pay period” or all payments may die!

If you wait until Sunday, after the pay period ends,

Then choose "previous pay period" to make your righteous amends.

This includes all biweekly workers, both students and staff,

And be sure to approve overtime (it pays at time and a half).

And if you're duty-bound to help enforce all of these chores,

Then prithee be proactive like they are with yours.

If not and your failure forces them the realm to traverse,

Then you'lll incur the full wrath of the blood red watch curse!

Abandon-All-Hope Geoff

TiMemecards

Wherefore Art Thou, Goodly Timekeeper?

Hear Ye, Hear Ye,

Exempts for the Month of September,

Hearken unto me!

And listen to my tale of mystery and woe!

here exists a legend of a kindhearted sage

who did whatever he could to keep the world on Time.

He was patient and helpful and just a real mensch.

If others needed help with their tasks he would assist them, of course, to make short and quick work of their labors.

But it took its toll and he became prematurely hunched as a result, until he couldn’t stand up straight at all.

People started to shy away from the crooked little man with the crooked little smile and he grew lonely.

But still he tried to help.

Until one day he was simply gone--never to be seen again.

There are rumors, of course, of where he might be, but no one has found his hiding place if he is even still around.

Then, during an excavation, a pocket watch was unearthed with an engraving on the back--one that could perhaps shed light on this conundrum and answer, for good and all:

Up on thy perch by the invisible clock,

Clanging out the Time or a prelude by Bach,

Standing high above the lagoon and the tide, 

Belting out thy birdsong with true Gaucho pride!

Writer's Clock

[May contain images]

Staring at the second hand seems to always be my fate.

“What happened to the first hand?” Hmf. Good joke--but not quite great.

Must come up with a reminder soon--pressure’s getting high.

People like to think I’m magic--(gotta maintain the lie).

Maybe a disaster movie like “Time-nado!” or “Time-quake!”

Or a mythical monster pic: “The Time-Devouring Snake!”

Perhaps a clock-themed game show called, “Hey, Buddy, You Got the Time?”

Where hobos look for a priceless clock buried in tons of grime.

I could even do a treasure hunt, where the final prize is me!

But do I want a parade of folks on a “Where is Geoffrey?” spree?

I love my fans, I really do--I don’t just do this for my health.

Yes, I like transparency, sure, but with a modicum of stealth.

I should probably remove my name and pic if that were really true,

And certainly omit my room number (not a very cryptic clue).

But the look of joy on people’s faces when they realize I’m THAT guy!

Is essentially what I live for--so, remove it? I can’t see why.

I’m a writer, see? It’s what I am. I pitch words to see if they stick.

Like testing if pasta’s al dente (a quirky culinary trick).

So, here I am writing about writing, and testing out future bits,

As I describe my creative process (and aim for a million hits).

But now it’s on to the reminding--(if all this wasn’t enough!)

“Please fill out your timecards, people! You don’t want to see me get rough!”

“Students, Limiteds and Non-exempts--all of the bi-weekly staff.”

“Approve those hours, add those comments (on your--or other’s--behalf”).

Don't delay, do it today, as soon as you possibly can!

There’s hundreds of people to deal with and I am just one man!

I know it seems a mindless chore, but it’s still part of your job,

Don’t devolve into denizens of the last-ditch timecard mob!

Forward this to staff and students--it’s such a piece of cake!

Once they’ve done their part, do yours--then everything’ll be jake!

If you don’t, woe is you--you’ll face my condescending tone.

Wait--oh, heck, is that the time?? I forgot to do my own!

Sincerely, Geoff

(Yes, THAT Geoff)

P.S. Autographs and photos available upon request (for a nominal remuneration). 

Time Man and the Clock of Doom

Film review from The Santa Barbara Bi-Weekly Times, 8/30 – 9/12/15

Should Time Man Clock Out?

By “Big” Ben Geary-Coggs

Is he about to break into song??

The public’s fascination with all things Time Man related may be running out much like the sands in his mystical hourglass amulet.

Sure, I had the Time Man action figure, lunchbox, beach towel, pillowcase and footie pajamas just like every other kid, and my Time Man comic book collection was the envy of enthusiasts far and wide.

It’s not a doll--it’s an action figure!             

                                              

You WILL clock IN!

But, when I first watched that atrocious Saturday morning cartoon abomination, “Time Man and Watch Boy,” I joined in the uproar against it until it was righteously taken off the air and hopefully destroyed. (Seriously?? Watch Boy???)

What's so funny, Time Man?

Is Watch Boy disco dancing?? Seriously???

The fans deserved a proper TV adaptation, but had to settle, in the meantime, for the groundbreaking graphic novel “Time Man Rises,” which offered a grittier take on Time Man’s origin story.

The Time has come!

On the strength of that reinvigoration of the Time Man mythos, another run was made at a TV series, although this time it was live action--and I can tell you, there was a collective holding of our breath as we counted down to the premiere episode. The series was simply called “Time Man” (on the CW, which we redubbed the “Clock Watcher” network) and we were all pleasantly surprised when it didn’t totally suck and yet, incomprehensibly, it lasted for only one season.

Once again the fans rallied, but this time it was in order to realize the pinnacle of Time Man fandom (or, Timekeepers, as we’re known): A movie of epic proportions as is befitting that fine and selfless champion of Temporal Reportage--Time Man!

This, however, is not that film.

Remember when this was the biggest insult to Time Man's image? I miss those days.


For one thing, they have taken such liberties with our beloved and punctual superhero that I have scarcely the will to finish this noble tirade, but I shall try!—it’s almost as if they wanted to do a musical and then at the last minute opted out, but had to re-edit the film to exorcise any remnants of musicality or fun or logic! Then they initiated a laughable 3D transfer after the fact that's just insulting, frankly.

The production itself was plagued with problems from the start from casting conflicts, to having to replace the director twice, to script issues and ultimately to insufficient funding.

The studio lost faith and should’ve postponed the release, but they had a schedule to keep and rushed to complete the film.

And it shows.

This is especially disappointing to the devoted fans who made all this possible, but maybe that’s where Time Man, a relic of the golden age of comics, really belongs, back amongst his people, his true followers, his Timekeepers and all those who faithfully and promptly Report Time.

So, to them I raise the clarion call to all the true keepers of the legend of Time Man with an “All Hail, Loyal Time Hearts!”

Let us not allow Time Man’s name to be so wound down! Let us not let the sands of his hourglass run out! Let us remain ever vigilant and protect all that he stands for: Truth, Justice and Accuracy in Time Reporting!

"KLOKKO!"

So, unless the superpowers-that-be decide to finally—someday!—give Time Man his rightful and just cinematic due then I say,

“Clock On, my Timely Friends! Clock On!”

And “by Kronos’s beard” avoid this film!

Rating: ½ [half a star--but only because my editor won't let me do zero or negative stars!]

[Edited to add: A recent fan-created video called “Time Man Returns!” is gearing up for production in response to the effrontery we have all suffered. So, support their crowdfunding campaigns!]

Hey, it can't be any worse!