For the Love of Timecards

O, Timecards, with thy temporal enumerations and such,

You fill me with such longing for timely reports,

I can't do without thee--I adore thee too much,

So, please, don't dare spurn me with unkind retorts.

I seek requited approvals for Exempt staffers’ leave,

(Be it sick- or vacation-, in 8-hour blocks),

If granted I’ll be giddy for so just a reprieve,

Swelling my ardor in a Time paradox:

For the greater my passion, the less Time there is,

As zeal aimed at Kronos needs Time to grow,

Much like a mildly sweet, bubbly Honey Rum Fizz,

On a lazy, warm Sunday--mm, quite the tableau!

So, monthly jobholders, share my Timekeeping joy,

And let’s revel in the Timekeeping we gladly employ.

Sonnet Geoff

PsychoKRONOSis

It is time once again for timecards.

Specifically and primarily for biweekly time reporting, which includes student workers, limited hires and nonexempt personnel (as well as their supervisors who do the approving, who may or may not be nonexempt employees in their own right).

Today we will be discussing the dangers and pitfalls of Timecard reporting, which can develop into a disorder known simply as:

PsychoKRONOSis

Diagnostic Criteria: An unsettled mental state brought about by prolonged frustration with java-based time reporting programs and all their applicable subroutines.

Symptoms: Marked by higher than average blood pressure and indeterminate bouts of rage, may be accompanied by protestations, verbal or otherwise, directed at software, hardware and personnel alike.

Known cures: Euphoria, elevated moods, laughter.

Prognosis: This:

Timmy the Timekeeper and the Cards of Time

Kronos Asylum is reserved for those whose madness is centered in and around the Temporal Lobe. They who have lost all sense of Time and Memory.

Timmy used to be a timekeeper, and a darn good one, thank you very much.

But then he went Time Mad.

And this is his story, told to ensure we never forget! So that no one else shall suffer Timmy’s fate.

It all began some time ago (as reported on his Timecards)...

Timmy was always the clever one, Timmy was.

He skipped ahead in his class when the lesson was learning how to tell time.

He already knew what the big hand meant.

When he graduated college with a Timekeeper Doctorate (TKPHD) at 25 he was on track to be one of the greatest Timekeeper success stories since the Earl of Greenwich Mean Time.

He was always a giving person so he decided to use his skills where they were needed most--back in Academia, to ensure future generations would benefit from his abilities in timecard reporting, the grease that runs the education machine!

And that’s when the madness began.

Those who work in a University setting are in rarefied air--they see how the world works and they envision a better future and provide the tools to make it possible by reinventing the culture and evolving the minds of our youth.

But like all philanthropists and crusaders, they don't bother themselves with petty concerns of self and so routinely neglect to maintain their own time reporting--for they have a greater cause than the mere trappings of our monetary house of timecards.

“How can you ask me to fill out my timecard, Timmy, when there are lives at stake?” They would say. “Our future depends on us!”

Timmy saw their point, of course: Where would the world be without the Illuminated Classes, and their strong sense of school pride?

But Timmy’s whole purpose, his whole being, in fact, was dedicated to the proper and efficient keeping of Time and he would be darned if he would fail in his mission--his calling on this Earth!

He WOULD remind them to please fill out their timecards, yes! He WOULD help them in their quest for a better future of future betterment and, ultimately, he WOULD ensure that they got their hours reported properly so they could maintain benefits, accrue service credits and secure their continued survival by making sure they got paid for their efforts and, in so doing, be allowed to live!

But they fought poor Timmy and refused to comply.

They had more important things to do-or-die!

But Timmy fought back, more than he dared.

His efforts were valiant, but nobody cared!

And then one small Tuesday after a Monday day off.

Timmy went mad faster than a cougher can cough.

For none of the timecards had been filled out at all!

His hopes, perched on a precipice, made a sickening fall!

If only he’d had a way to remove their timecard blinders,

He could’ve saved his mind with a few Kronos reminders.

[I won’t wind up like Timmy, the greatest keeper of Time,

So, I save my own sanity by reminding in rhyme!]

Rhymekeeper Geoff

Time Reporting At The Rain Factory

Hello, all you rainmakers,

Seizing the day and empowering the future,

Being competent to your core,

Moving forward with all the low-hanging fruit available.

Monday we have off,

So, Tuesday—let’s make it rain, people!

And this is how the rain is made:

At The Rain Factory...

On the first day of wet work came a brand new misty crop

Of precipitously damp newbies all hoping to drop.

Orientation is key--so they don’t try to fall up.

(You may ask “does that ever happen?” to which I say “yup!”).

The clouds are like fog banks of weather’s component parts,

Housing those practitioners of the moist vapor arts.

  

Some clouds are acidic and eat away at your brain,

While others are so cold they're between snow and freezing rain.

  

All the dripping hopefuls just want a chance to prove their grit,

“Which is needed to condense moisture,” (from the Employee Info Kit).

But before they may let fly their jump to soak the world,

Before they can make heavy every flag heretofore unfurled,

Before they can fill the rivers and cause cast iron to rust,

They'll need to fill out their timecards like every worker must!

Soggy Geoff

I Cannot Fill My Timecard Out!

It’s a New Year!—so, Happy/Merry and all that,

ALL Timecards are due NOW—it’s our chance, our “at-bat!”

To prove we can rally for the good of the team,

I’m sure they’ll be issues, but a fella can dream.

I know you’re not alone, I’ve heard tell of a boy,

Whose issues were many (see below—and enjoy!)

Geoff Comix

Don’t Let’s Be Naughty, My Little Timecard Elves!

Pre-holiday biweekly timecards follow close upon

And must be filled out now or, in other words: Anon!

We only have ‘til FRIDAY, so don't, my friends, delay,

Or else the log of time’ll be whittled clean away!

With the holidays upon us the schedules all have changed!

We only have this week! So we’re scrambling, half-deranged!

You wouldn’t like the naughty list for it brings on too much strife

And lasts a good deal longer than uranium ore’s half-life.

Some of you deserve gold stars for just how diligent you are,

And some of you...well, you’re still striving (in your attempt to just make par).

But we appreciate you all (just not in equal measure).

‘Cause let’s be real here, friends--there’s far more pain afoot than pleasure.

What can you do to help us? What gifts can you bestow?

Start by forwarding this reminder so that those who don’t know--KNOW!

Then approve all hours and overtime, add comments where they’re needed.

If your staffer’s absent--you do it! (so our work won’t get impeded)!

The deadline is a hard one, by FRIDAY and no later,

If you put it off or forget (again)--you’ll need a mediator!

Then once it’s done and all is well all across the land,

I’ll be the first to shout “hooray, supply has met demand!”

I’m confident that we can do it! Yes, my faith is firmly placed!

If that turns out to be untrue, well then—(these words can be erased)!

Holiday Geoff

Toon Time

Geofftoons

Anti-Procrastination Declaration

After a fine Thanksgiving break and a splendid time off,

I totally forgot this reminder (cough-cough).

But work cannot wait and so I’m determined to finish,

With quality control not even haste could diminish.

And now it brings to mind the notion of all time reporting,

Which requires time to do it and so remains self-supporting.

So, since it’s required and you’re paid for the chore,

It can be calendared, reminder-ed and, yes, scheduled for.

And despite the fact that it’s a task that most hate,

It keeps us in compliance with the payroll mandate.

This is why all of you monthly (Exempt) workers who care,

Should approve your timecards now so you’re not caught unaware.

Last Minute Geoff

Giving Time

Those who like to give whatever it is they’ve got

Know full well to give ‘tis far better than to not.

So, during this giving time let’s all join together as one

And give ourselves a hand for all the giving that we’ve done.

I once gave a hoot (when hoots were in short supply)

I even gave my hunger (when someone was serving pie).

I’ve given a piece of my mind (to those without their own)

I’ve even given my absence (when they wished to be alone).

I’ve given my opinions (when they didn’t know what to think)

I’ve given my advice (for when they couldn’t afford a shrink).

I’ve given some good excuses (for when theirs were wearing thin)

I’ve even given alibis (to account for where they’d been).

Giving brings more joy than mere taking could ever allow

(Except when taking a minute to approve your timecards: NOW!).

[And if you haven’t given out and want to give some more

Join Cool Campus Challenge to improve our Eco- score!]*

*Cool Campus Challenge ends 12/10/15, UCSB specific, some assembly required.